I thought up eight considerations that people have shared with me when they named a human. But I think I’m only considering the last one.
I’m having a baby in a little more than a month. And that baby still does not have a name.
Over the last 60 years, only four names have been the most popular boy name for a given year... In the same period of time though, nine girl names were the most popular for a year.
We do know that this baby will have a penis, so we’re giving him a traditionally male name. This information helps in the naming process since that seems to eliminate around half of all possible names.
Most people did not choose their name; it was chosen for them. I’d say this still applies to the folks who shorten their legal/at-birth name as well. I go by “Alex” in most situations, though my parents named me “Alexander.” And if you were curious, Alexander was the 23rd most common boy name of the 1990s, according to the US Social Security Administration.
But when naming a child, the Paradox of Choice is clearly in play. With nearly unlimited choices, it feels impossible to come to a singular conclusion because the stakes feel so high.
I remember working at a grocery store when I was 20 years old, and I was amazed by the number of olive oil choices customers had to sift through. But the stakes, in that case, are low. All olive oil may not be created equal, but no one is getting bullied for having the wrong one in their pantry.
If I give a child the wrong name, however, it seems like it could have life-long implications.
So what am I supposed to consider when I’m choosing a name for a person? I sought answers from friends from many lived experiences: single men, couples without kids, and couples who already had kids. I found eight considerations in these conversations with friends.
But I think that the only one I’ll be using is the very last one on this list.
“The Classics.”
I don’t know if I can put precise parameters on what exactly I mean by “classic American first names,” but I think you know what I’m talking about. I think that there’s probably a lot of overlap with the category of “middle-aged white people names,” but also these names are neither controversial nor unique if we’re being honest. It's the Matthews, Erics, Sarahs, Jessicas, Kellys, Jennifers, Jameses, Adams, and Michaels of the world.
I think there’s also a group of older classics, the “vintage classics,” if you will. The Georges, Marys, Williams, Donalds, Bettys, Richards, and Lindas of the world. You get the idea.
And based on your socio-cultural positionality, you might be exposed to a different set of Classic Names. But my life in the suburbs of Southern California exposed me to these.
All of these names have had long stints among the most popular names given to American children, and I’d assume that you know lots of people with these names. Again, these names are safe and meaningful in many ways to many people.
Explicitly searching for uniqueness
If naming your child becomes a vanity project, you’re already off to a bad start as a parent (there, I said it). I’m under the impression that calling your child a word you made up or an object that is not traditionally a name isn’t setting your child up for success. Just imagine the cumulative time a child has to explain their name because you thought naming them the @ sign was a good idea.
Celebrities seem to be the worst of us, in this regard. I found this Vogue article that really ground my gears. Apparently, Diplo has a child named Lazer, Frank Zappa has a child named Moon Unit, and Gwyneth Paltrow has a baby named Apple; to name a few.
In the same vein, I once had a coworker who, if I recall correctly, told me her father was a retired homicide detective. Or maybe he was just a crime scene cleanup guy. Or maybe just a CSI: Las Vegas fan? But either way, she had some stories. Apparently, her father had come across multiple people named Iamlucky and Iamunique (I guess they weren’t that unique after all).
Acacius? Finbar? Ox? Names like these just aren’t to my personal preference.
Family names.
There’s probably a lot of crossover between family names and The Classics I mentioned in the first baby naming consideration. Sometimes a name is a tradition, and if you think the name fits, by all means, go ahead. Name that kid after your grandma. Give that eldest son the same middle name as his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather. You do you, boo.
Most Popular names
But maybe you don't want to rock the boat. You don't need your kid to stand out in a crowd of names. Look, vanilla ice cream is the most popular flavor for a reason.
The US Social Security Administration (SSA) has been the resource people have pointed me toward most frequently when I mention that I have the responsibility of naming a human this year. The SSA website has a lot of lists and resources that can provide inspiration through many lists of the most popular names in the country. Apparently, this is all based on the number of social security cards requested for a particular first name.
You can search for the most popular names of a particular year/decade/century, you can sort by a particular state, and you can look at changes over time for a given name. It is certainly a rabbit hole, and I think I’d find it interesting even if I wasn’t having a baby.
I also stumbled upon this section of the website and found some interesting observations. The trends are fun.
For example, over the last 60 years, only four names have been the most popular boy name for a given year: Liam (5 times), Noah (4), Jacob (14), and Michael (37 times).
In the same period of time though, nine girl names were the most popular for a year: Olivia (3), Emma (6), Sophia (3), Emily (12), Jessica (9), Ashley (3), Jennifer (15), Lisa (8), and Mary (1).
Are there simply more girl names than boy names to choose from? Or is this some patriarchal ego-trip with men naming their sons after themselves? I’m not sure how to prove these theories, one way or the other.
“Hipster Picks”
A blog and database entirely for baby names? I never knew such a thing could exist, but apparently, there’s a market.
Nameberry is a website that was quote the experience to stumble upon and explore. They provide a seemingly endless array of lists of baby names, all with specific themes. We’re not just sorting by “boy names” and “girl names” over on the site. We got “Cool Names,” “Unusual Names,” “Nature Names,” “Biblical Names,” and more.
Nameberry even has a “Baby Name DNA” quiz, which is something like a personality test to find the types of names they think you’ll be into (it was surprisingly on the mark).
And while researching a for this blog post, I found this article on their website that was allegedly listing “the most popular baby names of 2021.” The top boy names in this article were Arlo, Kai, Atticus, Silas, and Theodore.
But those names did not match what I had just read over on the US Social Security Administration website. According to SSA, the most popular baby names were Liam, Noah, Oliver, Elijah, and James.
So what gives?
I dug around both websites for answers. The SSA operationalizes “most popular” by the number of actual babies born with that name, while Nameberry measured it by the attraction a name received over at the website. Nameberry is trying to predict names that will likely be chosen in the future.
All this to say that this consideration is for the people who love talking about how they listened to Tame Impala before they were popular. Some people are going to love that their child named Maeve, Aurelia, Finn, or Milo is a few years older than the wave of kids coming next year. And good for them.
Gender-neutral names.
I wanted to touch on this idea just for a moment. The idea of purposefully seeking out a name that could potentially be deemed “acceptable” or “normal” for more than one gender never crossed my mind. But when asking my friend Elizabeth, she said that it was on her list of considerations.
I think this might mean different things to different people, and I don’t have much to say on it. I guess my name, Alex, is a name that both men and women use. And in fact, the aforementioned Nameberry website has a list dedicated to this very idea.
Names from the specific source material.
I, as well as my siblings, have a name from a specific source material: The Bible. My parents are happy Christians, and each of our four names can be found in the book. Though “Alexander” is a character without any memorable or significant storyline, if I recall correctly.
If I had to, I’d guess that The Bible is the largest source material for name inspiration in the United States. But I’m sure there’s kids named after Harry Potter, Tony Stark, and Clark Kent. What are the others? Let me know.
Imagining specific situations
Finally, we’ve reached the consideration that I think everyone does at least a little bit, and maybe the consideration that some people do the most. It’s nearly a mad lib. They imagine a situation, and they insert a proper noun to see how it would fit, how it feels.
Imagine that you were naming a new dog. You ask yourself, what would it be like if my dog was named “______.”
“Snowball, sit.”
“Snowball, come.”
“Snowball, no! Not my complete first edition set of Team Rocket booster box Pokémon cards!”
You get the idea.
A lot of people take that process a step further when naming a child. There are situations you know your child is going to be in, where you will say their name.
You will hold this child and giggle and coo with them. What name makes sense?
You will say this child’s name when you need to get their attention for a photo.
You will call this child to dinner from the other room.
You will scold this child for squatting down to take a shit with his dog in the backyard. He doesn’t know any better.
You will comfort this child when they are sick, or have a skinned knee.
And maybe that’s what normal people envision the interactions with this yet-to-be-named child will be.
But I’m a fucking sicko. My first thoughts have been much further into his timeline.
This is the name that will be announced before their first piano recital or baseball game.
This is the name that will be read at graduation.
This is the name of a kid who will be applying to college.
This is the name of someone applying to a job they’re not quite qualified for, but has the moxie to shoot their shot.
And maybe I’m thinking too grandly, but this is the pressure I feel when asked to name a human. With just a few weeks to go and no name set in stone, there are still many undecided facets of this child’s life. His name is no exception.
What consideration category did I miss? Where do other people draw inspiration when naming their children?
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